The Count: Fresh Blood
by BadgerLeopard
Summary: Meet the Count. He's half Time Lord, half vampire and also has a time machine. From an innocent planet in the distant past to an old house near Whitby, the Count has had many exploits, as he begins to explore the universe...
1. Episode 1 - The Beginning

**The Beginning**

_Hello. You may think that I am a noble hero with many faces, or perhaps a maniac who looks horrific. But I am not those people. I am the Count and this is my story._

_Many centuries ago, the Gallifreyans faught a war against vampires. They captured so many of them and one day someone had a smart idea: why not mix a vampire and a Time Lord? The idea seemed so irresistable to them. So they made me. I chose my name because of a popular Earth book about a vampire. And then the war ended._

_They kept me a secret for so many years, until the Time War began. I lived on the planet Chlorista, a world of eternal night. I have to admit that I liked it there, mainly because of the people. They were so tasty: their blood felt holy and smooth. I liked it a lot. _

_One day, the Time Lords came back for me. There was this one person called Narvin who I disliked a lot. I thought he was a bit too annoying. But I couldn't kill him. It tastes worse when I kill the ones that I don't like.  
__"Count, we need your help." Narvin told me.  
__"Doing what exactly?" I replied.  
__"We need you to locate the plans for a Dalek weapon."_  
_"And what is in it for me?"_  
_"You can have a TARDIS and your eternal freedom. No more than that."  
__"I have another idea."  
__I then hit Narvin aside and feasted on the three foolish guards that hadn't ran away. My goodness, I remember that day very well. It tasted beautiful. They tasted beautiful.  
__I stole the battle TARDIS that they had arrived in and travelled to Gallifrey, before the war had even been conceived. I arrived in the TARDIS bays and found an oddly dressed man with curly ginger hair and a disastrously coloured coat.  
__"Who are you?" he asked me, "And what are you doing here on Gallifrey?"_  
_"I am the Count and I am here to steal a TARDIS. Who are you?"  
__"The Doctor. I was just here clearing up some of the after-effects from my trial when I found a bizarre signal coming from the bays. Was that you?"_  
_"Probably was. My battle TARDIS is from the future, you see. From the Time War."  
__"The Time War? Never heard of it. Anyway, seeing as you look like a vampire and I have other business to attend to, I'll leave you to it. And plus, something tells me that you were made as a weapon of some sort."  
__You're right."  
__The Doctor then left, leaving me to enter a type 70 TARDIS and fly away to a new destination.  
__And that is how I came to be a free man, travelling the universe. A vampire, with no weaknesses and a time machine, with all of time and space to roam. What could possibly go wrong?_


	2. Episode 2 - Murder on the Demeter

**Murder on the Demeter**

_Good evening. You're back for more, are you? Good. I like it when people come back for one more round. It means that they enjoy my company. And I enjoy theirs as well. Are you sitting comfortably? Good. Then I will begin._

_The tale I will tell for you involves a ship bound for__ the planet Whitby Minor, a colony world in the Orion system. It is called the Demeter and for those who don't know, the Demeter is a fictitious ship in the novel which I took my name from - the Count - and one where the vampire eats his passengers one by one. I am aware of an Earth author called Agatha Christie who writes similar things, albeit without vampires. I have heard that her murder mysteries are remarkable. I must read them one century._

_I arrived on the Demeter a few days after it had departed from Kanusska, a small little world near to the two Androzani planets. I emerged from my TARDIS and noticed that a security guard was stood opposite me. An ordinary individual would take no heed of it. However I was agitated by the sight of his grazed knee.  
__"Sir, may I ask that your coffin is stored in the hold?" the guard requested. And I am aware that he said coffin - my TARDIS is in the shape of a coffin, you see. If I am a vampire, then I need a coffin to live in.  
__"Certainly. But I would get that cut looked at, if I were you." I said, "You could catch your death."  
__"And may I see some form of identity, Mr...?"  
__"Count. My name is the Count."  
__I showed him my psychic paper wallet and made it look as if I was a true nobleman. And it worked like a charm. I casually swaggered off towards the main lounge, leaving the guard to look after my TARDIS._

_In the lounge, I sat down on a brown leather sofa and gazed around me. There were smartly dressed people, women in nice dresses and young children. So much blood. I think I could feast all day.  
__"May I sit next to you?" came the voice of a young boy.  
__"Certainly."  
__"Thank you. I'm Oliver. Oliver Van Helsing. That's my sister, Louise, over there."  
__He pointed at a young girl who was sipping at a pint of ginger beer.  
__"I see." I said, rather annoyed, because I know that name: Van Helsing is the hunter of Dracula. If I was near a Van Helsing, I knew I would be stuffed. That's why I killed them in the night. The two lovely kids. A lovely young feast. I do like the young._

_The next morning, everyone was gathered in the lounge. Probably because they had found the bodies.  
__"Ladies and gentlemen," said the Captain, "it appears that there is a murderer onboard this ship. We must remain vigilant and keep out of the shadows. That is all."  
__Everyone then left._

_At dinner, I sat down opposite a young man who claimed to be a Doctor. He wasn't the Doctor, thankfully, but he was a Doctor.  
__"What business do you have on Pashkinta?" Doctor Schmidt, that was what his name was, asked me.  
__"Well, I wish to see the sights and try the local cuisine. I'm sure the people are divine and tasty." I replied, noticing how he had cut his finger.  
__"Tasty is not a word many would use to describe people, Mr..."  
__"Call me Count."  
__"Mr Count. Are you alright?"  
__"Yes, Dr Schmidt. May I have a word with you in your room?"  
__"Why?"  
__"Because I need to tell you something."  
__You can probably guess what happened next._

_The body was found the next morning.  
__"Who is doing this?" demanded Maureen, a human who I later learnt was a Gyrgothian wearing a shimmer, "Who could be against God so much?"  
__"The only one who does not appear to be questioning anything is the Count," realised the Captain, turning to look at me, "what do you know?"  
__"Me? Why would I be the killer? After all, I'm just an innocent old Time Lord from Gallifrey with a TARDIS. And how many Time Lord maniacs have been on this ship before?"  
__"The Master was onboard this ship three weeks ago. The Monk was here two years before that."  
__"Okay. Point taken. But I'm not like those idiots. Oh no. I am a good man doing what he can for himself. That's all."  
__"You'd better hope that that's true."  
__And then, later on, I killed him. Unfortunately, he set the alarm off just before I feasted, but thankfully his room was close to my TARDIS, enabling me to swiftly get away._

_I returned to the Demeter a few hours after I had left and found that all the passengers had gathered in the main lounge. The captain was pointing a gun at me for some reason.  
__"Count, get off my ship." he demanded.  
__"Alright," I reasoned, "but you should know that I probably am not your greatest problem right now."  
__"And what is our greatest problem right now?"  
__Exactly on cue, Louise and Oliver emerged, looking like two zombies straight out of an Earth movie. Their eyes were pure white and they looked ravenous. I had done very well. Seeing as I am not a hero, I decided to leave in my TARDIS at just this moment. As for the captain and the passengers, I can only presume that they were murdered._


	3. Episode 3 - Meeting a Hero

**Meeting a Hero**

_I have a confession to make. I really like murderers. And I like Earth murderers. Can you guess which one I like the most?_

_I arrived in London, 1888, and found myself serenaded by police officers. _  
_"Excuse me, sir, " asked one of them, "may I ask what you're doing with a coffin?"  
__"I'm an undertaker."_  
_"May I see proof of that?"  
__"Certainly."  
__I have to confess that what I did next I am very proud of: I took a metal bar from nearby and slammed each police officer in the head with it. I then suckled on their blood and it was delicious. I've even learnt some police routines and skills from them. How wonderful._

_I then headed into central London and found a lovely little bar called the Rose and Crown. They had a wonderful barmaid called Clara but I didn't kill her. I kissed her instead and wiped her memory of it. Yes, I can do that.  
__"I've seen you before, Count." came a voice that I had never heard before, "You were onboard the Demeter."  
__I turned to face a young man with neatly combed brown hair and who wore a black bowtie, white shirt, dinnerjacket and black waistcoat. He had a charming smile, which I didn't like at all.  
__"And who are you, exactly?" I asked him.  
__"I am usually known as the Thirteen and I wish to make a deal with you. My other selves have agreed to do this by the way. __**No, please, no we haven't, I don't want to make a deal with a vampire!**__" he explained, before I heard a distinct change in his vocal tone. I had heard of the Two, a Time Lord who retained the personalities of his previous selves. But I never thought he was real.  
__"What do you propose?"  
__"I will take you to meet Jack the Ripper and I will let you kill as many innocent people as you wish. But first you must do something for me."  
__"I am not a servant."_  
_"I don't care."  
__He took out a revolver and aimed it at me. Both of us knew that I would survive a shot, but I still looked shocked anyway.  
__And then I ran out of the bar._

_I stopped running in a long dark alleyway. And for those of us blessed with the gift of good history skills (although I understand if you don't have any), a dark alleyway in 1888 is never a good idea.  
__"Good evening." a masked stranger said to me, "Try to run and I'll kill you."_  
_"Likewise."  
__"What do you mean, 'likewise'?"  
__I revealed my fangs to him. He ran away. I was happy._

_I later learnt that I had apparently met Jack the Ripper. What a brief and yet powerful meeting that was. I honestly thought that he was a very charming man, however fleeting our meeting was. I can see why they say meet your heroes. Because they're just as nice as yourself._


	4. Episode 4 - A New Home

**A New Home**

_You may have been wondering how exactly I have been communicating with you and telling you these stories. I will now inform you of how I got myself a lovely little house on Earth, in the human year of 1963._

_I parked my TARDIS in a field fifty miles from the town of Whitby and I noticed a pretty little house overlooking the sea. Mainly because it was raining and I didn't have an umbrella, I decided to head on over and have a look inside._

_Inside, I found a lit fire, dry clothes and a meal ready to be eaten: I believe it is what humans call 'Beef Wellington'. Unfortunately, I don't eat beef. Thankfully there was a dog nearby. So I fed it the Beef Wellington and then I sucked it completely dry. One upside of this is that I can now speak dog.  
__"Who the heck are you?" came a scottish voice from behind me and I found that it was a young man, wielding a shotgun. When I say 'wielding', by the way, I mean that he was pointing at me.  
__"I'm the Count. Who are you?" I asked him.  
__"I'm Solomon. Solomon Kane. And I think you're a vampire."  
__"You're a perceptive one."_

_But before I could get any further, there was a horrendous growl from outside. I looked out of the window and saw something horrific: it was a tall red reptilian creature, with no sort of neck. It had an arched head and suckers covering its body. The face of the creature was one of both pure determination and rage. It advanced towards the house, clearly determined to reach one of us.  
__I moved away from the window and sat down in an armchair by the fireplace. Solomon went round, closing the curtains and standing at the door with his shotgun.  
__"Do you know what that creature is, Solomon?" I asked him.  
__"Dunno. It's been wanting to get in since last Thursday. It can change into any sort of man, so be careful."  
__I stood up and backed away carefully.  
__"And how do you know that?"  
__"Because I am a Zygon. A Zygon who wants to live an ordinary life on Earth. I arrived here seven years ago and have been living safely in this abode for many years. The other zygons wish to force me to attack the humans, but I do not want to do that."  
__I thought for several moments about a plan and then I had one. I cut one of my wrists with a knife and let the blood dribble into a nearby cup. When there was just enough, the cut glowed a bright orange and vanished from existence.  
__"Drink this," I ordered, "and the Zygons won't follow you ever again."_  
_And so he did. After a few moments, he collapsed and then reawoke with bright-eyed enthusiasm.  
__"What was this?" he wondered, "Why can't I change my appearance?"  
__"You just drank Time Lord blood. The regenerative particles are now coursing through your veins, as well as some vampire DNA. A small amount of vampire DNA. Enough to make you twitch at the sight of blood." I explained, "You can't change your appearance because you're not fully Zygon any more. You're a vampire-Time Lord-zygon-human being."  
__"Will that stop the Zygons from following me?"  
__"Let's see, shall we?"  
__I took him outside and the Zygon that had been outside ten minutes ago had vanished. There was just the rain, the night and a cool winter breeze. My ideal conditions.  
__"Thank you, Count," he said to me, "thank you for letting me have a normal life here on Earth."  
__"No worries. Although, there are two things I would like in return."  
__"And what are those things?"_

_And that is why I sit here now, writing away in Phoenix's house, alone. My TARDIS is parked outside, if I feel like venturing to other worlds, but I think I shall stay on Earth for a while. I like Earth. I have heard that the Doctor, a fellow Time Lord of mine who I have met before, also likes Earth. Now I can see why._

**THE END**


End file.
